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8th-Oct-2008 12:36 pm - the past
is just that, its past. im a jealous fool but this is all new to me. if you need your memories, and old accounts, and im and emails, then i guess i will just have to learn to understand somehow. i dug up the past, that why i freaked when suddenly i bring it up and ur in your old im - i knew i brought those memories back for u, then u go looking into your old life. i guess i know it could have been better and easier with anyone other than me.
23rd-Jun-2008 12:52 pm - maybe
why cant i cry in front of her anymore? I cant remember the last time or reason, but i no longer find it possible to cry in front of her. last night i needed to, i needed to let it all go, to cry and be held and comforted and be told it doesnt matter and to feel really close to someone after being so thoroughly rejected by the world, again. i couldnt do it. i dont know why. Instead i lay there trying to block out all the memories of the guys and the good times we had and how they hurt me, and to block out the nonsensical feeling of resentment at not getting the comfort, and closeness, and unconditional love i should have been getting at that moment.

I love her so much, maybe i feel i cant ask anymore of her than I already have. She has held me and loved me and told me it'll be alright so many time, thru so many tears already this past year, maybe i just cant bear the thought of how weak i must appear. Maybe i cant cuase her anymore pain. I know she hurts when I hurt, why should I make her hurt more, by seeing me that way. Maybe Im fool. Maybe im shutting down, maybe im ruining a good thing, the ONLY thing i have left in my life. maybe the only thing that actually brings me to tears anymore is the thought of her leaving, the thought of leaving her, or the threat of either. Maybe nothing else is important enough to me to waste the tears on, knowing thats the only thing that will make me unrecoverably ruined, destroyed, and worthless. Maybe.

Maybe im just tired, tired of never knowing. But I know Im not good enough for you...
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